The most successful people in the world always had someone supporting their life achievements behind the scenes. Warren Buffet had Charlie Munger. Steve Jobs had Steve Wozniak. Vincent Chase had Ari Gold. However, not everyone has the luxury of an amazing colleague to bounce ideas off of and start new businesses with, so they settle with Personal Assistants. I’m looking much deeper than that. In this economy, anyone can have a personal assistant under the guise of “unpaid internship, but the experience is priceless!” I don’t want to work for someone whose only talent is creating vague job descriptions. I want to work for someone with standards, someone of a higher caliber when it comes to assistants. Just like P. Diddy had Fonzworth Bentley, I want to become the epitome of success in the “holding umbrellas for famous people” industry.
The history of “holding umbrellas for people more important than you” is longer than you’d think. Umbrella holders have been found throughout history, ranging from the Renaissance:
To modern art:
The industry remained fairly stagnant for the past 4000 years. Then, one man came along and revolutionized it all: Fonzworth Bentley. As I mentioned before, Fonzworth was hired to hold P. Diddy’s umbrella, because Diddy doesn’t have time for manual labor, and his hands are too pretty to get dirty. Fonzworth seemed like just an ordinary man holding an ordinary umbrella for an extraordinary man, but what set him apart from the pack was his impeccable style, particularly steadfast forearms, and his natural hustling intuition.
Within a year, Fonzworth Bentley went from a critically acclaimed umbrella holder to a critically acclaimed umbrella holder with a record deal and line of personally designed umbrellas. He has been frequently called the “Genghis Khan of shade.” His success is so great, he even has his own umbrella holder.
Fonzworth has set the bar high for potential umbrella holders, but his one drawback is his ability to innovate. He may have revolutionized the abilities of an average umbrella holder, but his position is quickly becoming obsolete thanks to advances in industry technology.
While the long-term future remains hazy, the short-term remains bright. The industry as a whole is very unprofessional, and very few are trained in the fine arts of umbrella holding.
It’s clear, I’m destined to become the guy that gets paid to keep celebrities from getting too tan, or in Diddy’s case, from getting too sweaty as he’s enjoying a fine glass of Cambodian breast milk. I can only hope my Finance degree here at the University of Florida trains me adequately to become the most useful member of a successful person’s entourage, and by “Finance degree,” I mean “Tutoring Zone lectures.”