Digital Frontiers

Business Strategies for a New World

The most successful people in the world always had someone supporting their life achievements behind the scenes. Warren Buffet had Charlie Munger. Steve Jobs had Steve Wozniak. Vincent Chase had Ari Gold. However, not everyone has the luxury of an amazing colleague to bounce ideas off of and start new businesses with, so they settle with Personal Assistants. I’m looking much deeper than that. In this economy, anyone can have a personal assistant under the guise of “unpaid internship, but the experience is priceless!” I don’t want to work for someone whose only talent is creating vague job descriptions. I want to work for someone with standards, someone of a higher caliber when it comes to assistants. Just like P. Diddy had Fonzworth Bentley, I want to become the epitome of success in the “holding umbrellas for famous people” industry.

Fonzworth Bentley keeping Mr. Diddy nice and cool.

Fonzworth Bentley keeping Mr. Diddy nice and cool.

The history of “holding umbrellas for people more important than you” is longer than you’d think. Umbrella holders have been found throughout history, ranging from the Renaissance:

Charles Le Brun enjoying an average day in the park.

Charles Le Brun enjoying an average day in the park.

To modern art:

Rapper Chamillionaire captured at the height of his reign.

Rapper Chamillionaire captured at the height of his reign.

The industry remained fairly stagnant for the past 4000 years. Then, one man came along and revolutionized it all: Fonzworth Bentley. As I mentioned before, Fonzworth was hired to hold P. Diddy’s umbrella, because Diddy doesn’t have time for manual labor, and his hands are too pretty to get dirty. Fonzworth seemed like just an ordinary man holding an ordinary umbrella for an extraordinary man, but what set him apart from the pack was his impeccable style, particularly steadfast forearms, and his natural hustling intuition.

fonzworth2

Within a year, Fonzworth Bentley went from a critically acclaimed umbrella holder to a critically acclaimed umbrella holder with a record deal and line of personally designed umbrellas. He has been frequently called the “Genghis Khan of shade.” His success is so great, he even has his own umbrella holder.

fonzworth3\

Fonzworth has set the bar high for potential umbrella holders, but his one drawback is his ability to innovate. He may have revolutionized the abilities of an average umbrella holder, but his position is quickly becoming obsolete thanks to advances in industry technology.

holdingumbrella

While the long-term future remains hazy, the short-term remains bright. The industry as a whole is very unprofessional, and very few are trained in the fine arts of umbrella holding.

Doing it wrong.

Doing it wrong.

It’s clear, I’m destined to become the guy that gets paid to keep celebrities from getting too tan, or in Diddy’s case, from getting too sweaty as he’s enjoying a fine glass of Cambodian breast milk. I can only hope my Finance degree here at the University of Florida trains me adequately to become the most useful member of a successful person’s entourage, and by “Finance degree,” I mean “Tutoring Zone lectures.”

Comments

There are 3 comments for this post.

  1. Jeff Goetz on February 1, 2010 10:56 pm

    Fonzworth Bentley was a successful umbrella holder because he shadowed the one of the biggest men in pop culture. If you want to be like Fonzworth Bentley and if you want to be the most indispensable member a successful person’s entourage, then you really ought to be learning finance from the most successful person in your field, i.e., your professor. Tutoring zone teaches you how to pass the test, but where are you going to learn how to pass your competition?

  2. Shaan on February 1, 2010 11:08 pm

    That’s actually an excellent analogy. Fonzworth following Diddy can be compared to a student attending a university. Anyone can go to school, but if you want to succeed, like you said, you should be following those more successful than you (professors, older students, etc).

  3. Holding An Umbrella on February 2, 2010 11:01 am

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